Untitled for now
by Rhiannon5
Summary: Cameron, Foreman and House rethink their thoughts of one Robert Chase: Reposting chapter 6 because apparently over half of it got erased...
1. Gotta Knock A Little Harder

Rhiannon: Since songfics have currently taken over my brain... Here is the first offering of my series.

* * *

_Happiness is just a word to me_

_And it might have meant a thing or two_

_If I'd known the difference_

Chase has mastered a completely blank face that House sometimes associates with stupid situations. Such as Cameron going on about ethics when the issue wasn't ethics. He also has a smile that isn't quite a smile and an 'angry face' that isn't quite angry. He was a master of lies but House has come to the realization that Chase has only two emotions… sadness and pain. He realizes that it's because Chase has probably never known true happiness.

_ Emptiness, a lonely parody_

_And my life, another smokin' gun_

_A sign of my indifference_

Cameron has finally realized what it is about Chase that completely annoys her about him. He's completely indifferent. It's like he's completely empty inside as if there was never a person just… just a body. He just goes through the motions. She remembers back when she first came here and Chase and House use to trade almost friendly barbs. Maybe he was almost human back then but now… now there's nothing.

_Always keepin' safe inside_

_Where no one ever had a chance_

_To penetrate or break in_

To Foreman, Chase is the kid who plays it safe. There's no way inside him to know who he is, which is just as well, because Foreman doesn't want to know. The problem is, that gives him no ammunition against Chase. Sure, he's a suck up and his nose is probably browner then Foreman's some days but Chase isn't pathologically a suck up. He really just applied what he knew. House was usually right, why argue? Foreman did because of his pride, Cameron because she wanted to be noticed as intelligent. Chase just listened, applied. Didn't really say much anymore either. It was like whatever was inside him was the most precious thing in the world. And no one would ever get in.

_Let me tell you some have tried_

_But I would slam the door so tight_

_That they could never get in_

House had tried to get inside of Chase once. Just to figure out the puzzle. He'd picked him in his desperate weaknesses. His father, his mother. But all he got were answers that revealed little and sent him in circles. It was like Chase's mind held a big door and no matter what he knew, what he understood, he'd never get to thing that would solve the puzzle. No matter how much he antagonized the younger man.

_Kept my cool under lock and key_

_And I never shed a tear_

_Another sign of my condition_

Cameron can remember when Chase had gotten that woman killed. It hadn't taken long due to Cuddy's involvement and the whole malpractice suit to find out that his father had died. She thought it was weird that he didn't cry or breakdown. Not once. Maybe that was when she first realized his condition. Realized that there was nothing there.

_Fear of love or bitter vanity_

_That kept me on the run_

_The main events at my confession_

Foreman often tried to engage Chase in questions about his love life. He often teased Cameron about hers and he decided that the younger man shoulder miss out on the fun. But Chase always said there was no one. And so far he'd gotten nothing to prove that wrong. Which was weird, he'd watched him flirt scandalously with the nurses, especially the pretty ones but none of them had any sordid sex stories, flings or otherwise. And he knew how much nurses loved to gossip. He was starting to think that the man was asexual.

_I kept a chain upon my door_

_That would shake the shame of Cain_

_Into a blind submission_

House doesn't always do this, but Chase hasn't been at work in almost a week and he can't keep dodging Cuddy about it. So he's at Chase's home banging on the door. And there's no answer. He growls and digs the key he made out of his pocket and manages to open it. But as his anger breaks he sees that there is more then just that lock on the door.

_The burning ghost without a name_

_Was calling all the same_

_But I wouldn't listen_

Cameron answered her cell and could only listen as House cussed a blue streak about how Chase was locked in his apartment. He had liberally used the words dead or injured but Cameron was sure he was just overreacting. She agreed to get Foreman and come though she thought it was rather stupid to break into a co-workers home.

_The longer I'd stall_

_The further I'd crawl_

_The further I'd crawl_

_The harder I'd fall_

_I was crawlin' into the fire_

Foreman stood with the others standing there, unsure of what to do. The second lock was a dead bolt. There was nothing they could do short of breaking down the door.

"The fire escape was down wasn't it? You're small Cameron. Go." House ordered and Foreman schooled his features to keep from laughing as Cameron walked back towards the elevator.

_The more that I saw_

_The further I'd fall_

_The further I'd fall_

_The lower I'd crawl_

_I kept fallin' into the fire_

_Into the fire_

_Into the fire_

Chase is inside his apartment and he can hear them beating on the door but he can't get up. He doesn't want to answer, doesn't want to face them. He just wants to fall to pieces. He thinks he is falling but he knows that he's already on the ground. Knowing that House will figure out a way inside he crawls towards the bedroom and a whole new set of locks.

_Suddenly it occurred to me_

_The reason for the run and hide_

_Had totaled my existence_

House slammed his hand, palm open against the door as realization dawned on him.

"Call EMS." He muttered.

"What? Why?"

"The idiot is probably in there drinking himself to death."

"I don't believe that." Foreman stared at him.

"He's probably been here all this time building up the courage to kill himself or something. Call."

"I still don't."

"Call."

_Everything left on the other side_

_Could never be much worse that this_

_But could I go the distance_

Cameron sighed as she climbed in the window and looked around. The apartment was nothing like she expected it to be. Clean, minimalist. She walked through and saw in the kitchen a bloody knife and three empty bottles of gin, no tonic. She looked around, where was Chase?

"Chase?" She called out fully entering the kitchen. "Robert?"

There was blood on the floor. Splotches, not like slit wrists but like a cutter. She took steps back and heard pounding on the door. Suddenly remembering House and Foreman she opened the door.

_I faced the door and all my shame_

_Tearin' off each piece of chain_

_Until they all were broken_

Foreman could only stare in wonder at the place. He could only stare with something that presented as guilt but couldn't possible be as he stared at the blood on the kitchen floor. They found another locked door. The bedroom door and he slammed against it at House's order. He felt ashamed of himself, for never noticing that maybe things had gone too far if it had all come to this.

_But no matter how I tried_

_The other side was locked so tight_

_That door it wouldn't open_

House could only glare at the door. They will have to get the hinges to give. Of all things why had Chase invested in deadbolts? And knowing Chase he'd probably shoved a dresser or something against the door. He was thorough if nothing else. He didn't think the door was going to give. Even Cameron was offering her small amount of strength. His thigh burned reminding him that he couldn't help.

_Gave it all that I got_

_And started to knock_

_Shouted for someone_

_To open the lock_

_I just gotta get through the door_

Cameron didn't know why she decided to try and help Foreman open the door but her shoulder was getting sore. She tried to cry out to Chase again as they hit the door but he wasn't answer and the door wasn't giving. She knew he was on the other side. They just had to get through.

_And the more that I knocked_

_The hotter I got_

_The hotter I got_

_The harder I'd knock_

_I just gotta break through the door_

Foreman growled and slammed against the door he could feel it giving. Just a little bit more and they would know and the he could growl at House for being an idiot and yell at Chase for being a fool and all would be right with the world. He growled and nodded to Cameron and they hit the door one more time and it broke sending them into the room.

_Gotta knock a little harder_

_Gotta knock a little harder_

_Gotta knock a little harder_

_Break through the door_

Chase stared at them from the bed, he was sitting on the edge covered in blood and cuts of his own doing. House limped in behind them and stared at him.

"Should have known you'd find a way in." He whispered. "Looks like you've broke through."

"Not yet." House murmured sagely as he noticed the think cuts on Chase's arms bleeding profusely. "Not yet."


	2. Sing Me Spanish Techno

Rhiannon: So here is part two in all of it's glory...

* * *

Sing Me Spanish Techno--The New Pornographers

_Don't you know after picking the glass off the ground  
Don't you know after shaking the thing for a sound_

Cameron walked around the kitchen slowly before she heard the sound of crunching beneath her shoes. Upon closer inspection she realized that there was shattered glass spilled across the floor. Spotting a broom and dust pan she slowly cleaned up the mess. The compulsion continued as she grabbed towels and wetted them to begin cleaning the blood off the floor. As she scrubbed at the half dried blood she spotted a prescription bottle on the floor. She reached out with shaking fingers and picked it up. Lexapro… medicine for the seriously depressed. She shook it but got no sound and turned it to see that it had been expired for three months. She brought her hand to her mouth and wondered if there had ever been a refill.

Cameron slowly wiped up the blood, she looked back towards the hallway knowing that Chase was in the bathroom and saw House leaning against the opposite wall twirling his cane and waiting. He wouldn't let the younger man escape, this she knew. She trusted that.

_Do we see what the clock makes you do  
But I won't let this happen to you_

Chase sighed and stretched his arms pulling gently at the bandages. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply before splashing water on his face. He wanted to run away, escape but between Cameron, Foreman, House and the amount of blood that he had lost—escape was never a possibility. He scrubbed at his face wishing he could make it change but all it did was turn his skin red. He could hear the cane knocking on the door like a death knell. His breath shuttered but he knew he had no choice. No choice at all.

_In a town where I lost every shirt on the fence  
Don't you know I am bleeding a trail through the lens_

Foreman could say that he didn't necessarily see the point of being here and dragging up Chase's ghosts. He was a grown man for Christ's sake and yet he knew that somewhere deep inside, that he should be here. He's standing in the living room because he doesn't know what he should do. House is keeping watch on the bathroom door like it might tap dance and Cameron is furiously cleaning the kitchen. It was strange… this odd feeling of guilt. He wasn't sure of what he was supposed to do or what he was supposed to be in this case… in this place. Chase's sanctuary.

_When I see what I now know is you  
I was caught in the eye as you came  
Pulled by my name  
I'm fallin' through_

House nearly jumped with surprise when the door opened. Chase didn't look much better then he did before he went in. There were still the older scars on his upper arms and the now bandaged arms from the forearm down. His face was pale and drawn, eyes blood shot. He was trembling like a drug addict and maybe… maybe this was what Chase looked like away from prying eyes.

"House." He whispered thinly, his accented voice trembled in an almost discerning way.

"Why?" He asked but Chase simply looked away.

_Traveling at godspeed over the hills and trails  
I have refused my call pushin' my lazy sails  
Into the blue flame  
I want to crash here right now  
The hourglass spills its sand if only to punish you_

Cameron could only watch as Chase sat tiredly in the arm chair. House took up residence across from him on a chair snagged from the kitchen and she and Foreman took up opposite ends of the couch. It felt almost like they were back in the office getting ready to lay out a diagnosis.

"It just all coalesced." Chase stated quietly. "My Dad…Kayla… the case with Foreman… the baby… It just all coalesced."

"Into what?" Cameron asked resisting the urge to reach out to him.

"Guilt." House murmured. "Last I checked Foreman's not dead."

"I did the biopsy." He looked as if he was choosing his words carefully.

"I ordered it." Cameron shrugged helplessly.

"I all but demanded it be done." Foreman pointed out wondering how Chase could find himself completely at fault for something that he'd manage to get over.

"You take too much responsibility." Cameron spoke quietly.

"It just all happened so fast… And I just felt so… slow."

_for listenin' too long   
to one song  
listenin' too long  
to one song_

Chase felt like he was sounding like a broken record. Or song that someone put on repeat and forgot about. He didn't think there were accurate words to describe the way he felt, the way he was continuing to feel about himself. About life in general. It wasn't that he didn't want to apart of it. He just… he had no pretenses about thinking he deserved to be happy.

_Sing me Spanish techno _

_listenin' too long  
to one song  
listenin' too long  
to one song_

_Sing me Spanish techno_

Foreman was pretty sure that while the rest of them were speaking English that at one point Chase had somehow lost him. Like he was speaking Spanish or something. Chase just seemed so… indolent and worry-free that… It just seemed that somewhere along the line all of their wires got crossed. He knew what he was feeling was guilt. He prided himself on being a very observant man and to miss something this big… He just must not have been looking.

_Don't you know after wiring the thing to explode  
Wired for sound wide awake here for days in a row_

House sighed as Chase explained in the best terms he could that he was simply breaking down. He prided himself on being harsh and real to everyone around him. But honestly, even he could admit to himself that he had ignored Chase for far too long. Chase had been in front of him all this time silently crying out for help too afraid to take it for himself and he had ignored it. And now here they were all sitting around in the young man's living room and listening as he spun a tale of pain that put all of theirs to shame.

_Now we see what the engine can do  
And I won't let this happen to you  
I won't let this happen to you_

"Why didn't you do something?"

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"A word… something anything?"

It was all a whirl in Chase's mind as he shut his door behind his well meaning co-workers. He smiled a thin little smile and leaned his forehead against the door.

"I didn't say anything because… I won't let this happen to you."

* * *

Erm... yeah... there's more I promise!  



	3. Could I Be You

Rhiannon: So... yeah... life did this thing called 'move faster then the speed of light' and I ending up having way too many dental appointments to be told I need surgery and then spent a week in East Nowhere Kentucky with no internet connection... Oh... there was wireless... my laptop just didn't want to pick it up. Arg... without futher ado... The next in the series.

PS. Could I Be You is by Matchbox Twenty

* * *

Could I be You 

_Something is wrong_

_With the sum of us_

_That I can't seem to erase_

_How can I be_

_The only one_

_Without a smile on my face_

_When now_

In the back of his mind he knows that it's not okay that he's shaking but he knows that only House will catch it, if he cares to pay attention. Cameron and Foreman are smiling at the daily 'Cuddy looking for House to sentence him to clinic duty' and normally he would be smiling but he just can't. He feels like he's some kind of twisted dream where everyone can smile because… because they aren't him.

_You're laughing out loud_

_At just the thought of being alive_

_And I was wondering_

_Could I just be you tonight_

Cameron has noticed for a while now that Chase isn't the same as the night that they stormed his house and bandaged his forearms. She tries to ignore the dead look she saw in Chase's eyes that night. Now though… he's laughing with the best of them. She hid her frown by getting up for coffee because she can't help but think that maybe… that maybe he's laughing at life, laughing at living because honestly… what Chase was doing was not living.

_You show your pain_

_Like it really hurts_

_And I can't even_

_Start to feel mine_

_And I'm standing in place_

_With my head first_

_And I shake I shake I shake_

_And I see your progress_

_Stretched out for miles_

_And miles_

House, Chase decides, is an enigma. He's constantly in pain and Chase understands that. He even respects House's drive to work despite the pain. It's just… he can't understand how House can so blatantly show it when Chase can barely feel anything at all. He's standing before House listening to him talk about a diagnosis but he's not focused on anything but the fact that he's shaking again and everyone else is shouting out ideas and summarizing the symptoms. He's miles behind them, he always seems to be miles behind them.

_And you're laughing out loud_

_At just the thought of being alive_

_And I was wondering_

_Could I just be you tonight_

House turns from the black board to see his fellows but his eyes catch Chase. He had cracked a joke about abstinence and Virgin Marys. They're all laughing at his joke but Chase is laughing the hardest. It's a harsh, fake laugh just this side of hysterical. And House can't resist a shiver wondering if it's something else that Chase is laughing at. It's almost like he's laughing at being alive.

_This is the sound that I make_

_These are the words I chose_

_But somehow the right thing to say_

_Just won't come out_

Chase almost isn't sure of why he's screaming at Foreman. He knows that it has something to do with the patient's treatment. Oh wait… now he remembers. House actually trusted Chase's diagnosis and Foreman is trying to undermine him for his own diagnosis. He sucked in a deep breath and picked out careful words but nothing was good enough for Foreman. Later he would snort into his drink when all Foreman had done was confirm that he was right.

_Cuz you're laughing out loud_

_At just the thought of being alive_

_And I was wondering_

_Could I just be you tonight_

Foreman and Chase are laughing at the absolutely stupidity of their patient as they sit over drinks with Cameron. They all collectively know they shouldn't mock their patients but there is something almost disturbingly amusing about an upset mother trying to O.D. on children's chewable vitamins. He orders another round of drinks and shivers as Chase lets out a few last chuckles, wiping a few small tears form his eyes. For a moment there he was sure that Chase was laughing at something else… Almost like he was laughing at the thought of being alive.

_I was wondering_

_Could I just be you_

_Tonight_

Chase paused on his way leaving the diagnostics office. It was late, late enough that he should have been the only one there locking up. He had been there for a day and half sleeping on a cot between rooms resuscitating patients and running codes. He was bone weary but as he looked up for the muted sounds of music he saw House with the whiteboard in his office looking over the symptoms and he wondered for just a second what it would be like to be Dr. Gregory House. To be genius and insanity and painful and vulnerable all at the same time with a devil may care casing.

* * *

Rhiannon: Hopefully by the time I post the next part I'll have a new laptop that loves me more. Ja ne!  



	4. Solace

**Rhiannon: Okay... erm... well... I don't really have much to say...**

**The song is Solace by Fuel**

**

* * *

**

"Solace"—Fuel

_  
Draw the shades to close my eyes  
(I never want to see again)  
I found the cost of courage high  
(Sometimes hard to pay)  
_

Chase jumped as the blinds closed and sunk down in bed closing his eyes. This could only mean another well meaning visit. He didn't want to see whoever it was right now. Regardless of if it was Cameron or House or Foreman. Looks of pity or smugness just weren't anything he wanted to deal with right now. It was bad enough that now he had to go to therapy… again. As if the depression wasn't enough. He wished they get off their soap boxes and realize that not everyone has the courage to face life day after day.

_  
I hear the song the sirens sing  
(Calling on the shore for me)  
So sell your soul and try to fly  
(The tether still remains)  
_

Somewhere in the brief moments that he had closed his eyes he'd been given something. Probably for the pain of his wounds, not that it mattered, another plane of existence another place to experience the pains he couldn't escape.

In this wondrous dreamscape he was back in Australia standing on a beach on a perfect day. He was just a few inches from the tide line and he desperately wanted to step forward but found he couldn't. Of its own accord, his head turned and he saw PPTH standing tall and bright behind him and the choice laid out before him.

"I would sell my soul to belong." He whispered but his own voice sounded so far away, ripped from him by invisible winds.

He tried to move towards the building, towards the familiar places and people he knew would be inside but he couldn't move that way either. He was stuck, neither here nor there.

_  
And all the finer things they laid upon my table  
Smiled as their hooks were slowly sinking in  
_

He jerked awake and saw food that was obviously not made within the hospital. He looked up to see Cameron smiling at him and he sighed deeply.

"Thank you." He whispered and hoped it sounded like he meant it.

She didn't respond either way. She simply pushed the food forward and he could almost imagine her caring as some kind of thick miasma that was blanketing the room. He wondered if maybe that was simply the medicine still flowing in his system.

_  
Another pill I'm to consume  
(To make me learn to feel again)  
Followed by another one  
(To make me loose the same)  
_

"It's ironic isn't it?" Cameron stated from where she sat holding on to the pill bottle. "The things that could cure you are the very same things that could kill you."

He agreed whole-heartedly though he said nothing. The bottle she held were his antidepressants that he'd been taking religiously for years until two days ago when his body decided to be come allergic to them. Or maybe that was just how long it took the reaction to become severe.

"I talked to your doctor… they're thinking about switching you back to Prozac." He nodded distractedly. Prozac made him more lethargic if anything, especially after the brief high it gave his personality.

"Are you going to say anything at all Chase?" He just looked at her with glassy blue eyes and she nodded to herself a bit distracted before she got up and left. Cameron liked gratification and Chase couldn't give that even with out the drugs coursing thickly in his system.

_  
God if I could recognize  
(The things to make me whole again)  
And draw this air into my lungs  
(Remember how to breathe)  
_

The sunlight was hot on his skin but the stiff New Jersey air pulled the heat away just as quickly as it hit. He slowly climbed out of the wheel chair and walked the short distance to Cameron's car and let her drive him home. She walked him up to the door of his apartment and stood there awkwardly but he didn't invite her in, just whispered thank you and closed the door in her face.

His apartment hadn't changed a bit since he'd left it due to the reaction. He barely recognized it. He slumped down on the couch and drew in breath after breath and cleared his throat of the burning, itchy memory of being intubated.

_  
For as the curtain rose I danced as I was able  
Felt my deception slowly sinking in  
_

When he entered Princeton-Plainsboro almost a week later he felt more like an actor then a doctor. The play was going on and though he was one of the main characters he obviously didn't have his lines memorized because he was the only one lacking. The case went back quickly and he'd spent most of it in the lounge staring at the whiteboard with something close to confusion marring his features.

Oh well, House had always thought he was stupid. Might as well live up to it. At least that wouldn't be a lie. He took off his badge and lab coat before he walked into House's office and sat behind his desk. Maybe he could lie and say that he was doing research.

_  
So I turn to you for love  
(For the solace that is there)  
And offer any cherished thing  
(For a slight reprieve)  
_

He couldn't believe that House had followed him home citing some bullshit about being concerned. He'd heard the roar of the sleek deathtrap as he'd opened the door and had hoped that it was a just a passer by. But he'd recognize the bike anywhere. He eyed his boss critically before turning and walking towards the elevator.

"I've been off suicide watch for over a week now." He pointed out as they both stepped into the elevator, Chase one step behind just like at the hospital.

"I'm not here to babysit. That's Cameron's job." The diagnostician reminded him as they got out on Chase's floor and then entered the apartment.

The blond merely shrugged and made coffee for his boss and tea for himself and they sat in silence and it was… quaint. It occurred to Chase that House was offering sympathy and support in the only way he knew how… and that was by keeping quiet. House wasn't the time to use pointless words or gestures and Chase had to admit that this did more for his fragile state of mind then anything else that had been done for him.

It was almost like a gentle reprieve from the world and he almost felt guilty that he had nothing to offer the older doctor but he knew that House wanted nothing in return. It was strange but ever since the week that he locked himself in the apartment and House had led the team in to breaking in their relationships had been changing. He and Cameron had gotten closer… Foreman had backed off a bit. And House… House was almost but not quite a friend.

_  
I hoped that you might find me here  
(And I could learn to smile again)  
As a balm for these wounds  
(Take away the sting)  
_

Chase was having a back slide. He knew that the suicidal thoughts he was entertaining meant that the Prozac wasn't doing much for him. Or maybe he'd missed a pill or two in the upset of last week with the woman who was trying to off her own child. But loosing that baby had stung. Even more so had House's refusal to let him hurt himself anymore… even if it was said in his own sarcastic, almost hurtful way.

If House was here now he'd have more words to say to him and none of them would be nice. Standing on a five story building contemplating what you have to live for is not exactly a good sign for him. Or really anyone. He breathed in and slowly released the air and managed a smile as the door banged open to admit a man with a very pronounced limp.

"You know there are no elevators that lead up here."

"I was hoping that it would discourage you." The blond stated as he looked over at him.

"You should know by now that things like this encourage me." The taller man pointed out with a little smile that Chase couldn't resist attempting to match.

"Shouldn't you be annoying Wilson?" He asked as he turned and leaned his back against the high railing.

"He's busying with prostate exams." House waved his cane to dismiss the topic but Chase couldn't resist adding a thought to that.

"Shouldn't you be saving him from that? Or do you only interrupt him during breast examinations?"

"It's much, much more fun to interrupt him when he's with a woman. Wilson is depressingly straight."

"Ah… because it gives you less to tease him about." Chase nodded sagely and let house change the subject. He didn't mind these interludes, really. Especially at times like now, it was almost like medicine for his tired emotions.

_  
And as the band did play your body I did cradle  
I should have known that song would have to end  
_

House knows that he's dreaming when he looks down and Chase is lying in his arms as he cradles him gently. He's not sure when his attempts at trying to help Chase had become misconstrued in his mind. He could think of many reasons to write it all off as infatuation, among other things but then the song ended and he jerked awake and was on the couch alone.

If only the song was longer… then maybe the delusion wouldn't seem so cruel.


	5. Rain

**Rhiannon: Okay... um... apparently there was some confusion within the story but uh... Chase never commited or attempted suicide... He's a cutter and while that is very, very serious it's not quite the same thing. Also... in the other, he had an allergic reaction to his meds... and got injured durning the reaction...**

**Anyways... on with the story!**

**

* * *

**Rain

_ I don't feel a thing  
and I stopped remembering  
The days are just like moments turned to hours  
_

Often times, Chase feels as if his memories are slipping away. Maybe one morning he'll wake up and forget Kayla and how he'd let her die. Maybe one day he'll forget Rowan Chase and his mother as well. He knows he wants but as he watches the clock that seemed to slow, almost as if time were slowing. Seconds became minutes and minutes, hours so on and so forth. He cringes as it sounds midnight and he wonders if maybe he really can just flip a switch and forget it all.

_ Mother Used to say  
if you want, you'll find a way  
Bet mother never danced through fire shower  
_

At the point in which all things were said and done, Robert Chase is still at Princeton-Plainsboro working with Drs Cameron and Foreman and being annoyed by Dr. House. He still ducks his head like he thinks he's going to get yelled at. He still just kind of takes it when Cameron feels the need to be a bitch or Foreman feels the need to remind him that he is the alpha male.

Sometimes he feels offended when he thinks of his mother. Whatever she had to endure wasn't the same hell that he had to endure. She was just an alcoholic, victim of an untreatable disease. Chase was the one who had the problems, insurmountable. He was broken.

_ Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain  
I walk in the rain, in the rain  
Is it right or is it wrong  
and is it here that I belong  
_

God it hurts when you realize that you have to reach out. He's not sure why he just left his apartment. Jeans and sneakers and t-shirt aren't the best ammunition against the mild storm outside, but the lighting is still in the distance so he has time.

_ I don't hear a sound  
Silent faces in the ground  
The quiet screams, but I refuse to listen  
_

His conscience is screaming at him over the little things that he as the habit of ignoring. Take care of yourself. Have you eaten today? He's sure that when he looks around the ICU or the ER he sees the faces of people he's lost, people that to him, he probably let die. He thinks they're screaming because when he accidentally looks at their faces their mouths aren't open. But he doesn't listen, if he allows himself to hear everyone will know he's broken.

_ If there is a hell  
I'm sure this is how it smells  
Wish this were a dream, but no, it isn't  
_

Working in the ER is almost like working in Hell's waiting room. Every time you enter you get a whiff of what your own person hell might feel like. Chase knows that his is having constant patients that he can't save. He'll rush and rush and work until his fingers bleed and his spine curves but he'll save no one. Maybe the ER isn't Hell's waiting room. But it sure smells like it.

_ Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain  
I walk in the rain, in the rain  
Am I right or am I wrong  
and is it here that I belong  
_

The storm is getting worse and he's not exactly sure of where he's going but he keeps going. He's too far from the apartment to just turn around and walk back but he can't tell if he's close to his destination or not. He sees Princeton-Plainsboro in the distance and realizes that _that_ is where he's going and he's not sure if he should be. Cuddy will kill him if she seems him like this. Cameron will make a snide comment or pretend to care. Foreman will make a snide joke and ask House why he hasn't fired him. If they're on shift.

He takes the side entrance and pushes open the door walking through the hospital, he sees a stray clock and realizes that it's eight in the morning. Half the hospital is practically closed. No one will see him, no one will care… or they'll send him to the psyche ward. He gets to House's office and finds it unlocked. He knows he's getting the floor wet, he's a sopping mess but he doesn't feel right here. He steps out onto the balcony.

_ Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain  
I walk in the rain, in the rain  
Why do I feel so alone  
For some reason I think of home  
_

When House gets into the office, the storm is just starting to break but the rain is still falling just as harshly. He sees a figure standing out on the balcony in the rain and can tell by the blond hair that it's Chase. He limps forward and opens the door.

"It can't be comfortable out there." Cuddy will be mad if his fellow up and dies on the balcony because he's too stupid to get out of the rain. But as he looks at his clothes he realizes that this isn't the 'I came in this morning Chase.' This is something he hasn't dealt with before.

"I… I was just thinking of home." Chase whispered clinging to the rail with his eyes closed as the sun pierced the clouds and the rain finally started to let up.

No, House wasn't seeing any Chase he'd ever seen before. He was seeing the real Chase, broken Chase.

"Why don't you go home… Take the day off."

"Thank you Dr. House." He smiled at him. "But I think I'll just go get changed."


	6. Downfall

**Rhiannion: So... um, as far as I know, this is the last chapter of this fic, but that is subject to change...**

** Oh... and before I forget... the song Downfall belongs to Matchbox Twenty... but then again you probably know that that I don't own it...**

**

* * *

**Downfall—Matchbox Twenty

_  
Wonder how you sleep  
I wonder what you think of me  
If I could go back  
Would you have ever been with me  
I want you to be unused  
I want you to remember  
I want you to believe in me  
I want you on my side  
_

House watched Chase carefully as he lay curled up on the couch in his office fast asleep. Cameron was too kind hearted to wake him and Foreman had the day office. If he remembered correctly, Chase had a night stint in the ICU due to a bad accident or something like that. His skin was almost translucent it was so pale and House found himself wondering idly what Chase thought of him. Really thought of him, what thoughts had crossed his mind when he'd had to detox that one time with the bet with Wilson and Cuddy. Or maybe that one time when Chase had had the allergic reaction to his depression meds…

He sat at his desk to remove the risk of him doing something like touching the younger man and proceeded to continue studying him. He idly wondered if he would have felt like this before. Before Vogler, before Rowan Chase's visit, before the disastrous date with Cameron and attempting to be objective while treating Stacy's husband… would he have been this interested in Chase? Would they be together now?

He decided that no, because he would have expected things from Chase then that he never would have thought of now. He wouldn't have seen how absolutely used up Chase was. He would have expected Chase to be… he wasn't sure. Unused seemed to be the only word that described what he was thinking. It wasn't fair though, he wanted Chase to remember the ways things were. When the blond was less jaded, when he believed in House more then anyone else and above all else when Chase was utterly and completely on his side.

He's pretty sure that Chase is only trying to play both sides because he doesn't know which side he belongs to.

_  
Come on and lay it down  
I've always been with you  
Here and now  
Give all that's within you  
Be my savior  
And I'll be your downfall  
_

"Chase I…" House can't find the words to say what he has wanted to say for weeks.

He wanted to tell Chase about the changes that had been happening within him. He wanted to point out to the younger man about how he'd been there for him all that time and hope that that conveyed all he wanted to say. And there were other words. He knew that in some ways… he and Chase could save each other. Chase from his need to be in pain and House from his addiction to pissing people off.

He just wasn't sure he could give what it would take to tell Chase all that.

_  
Here we go again  
Ashamed of being broken in  
We're getting off track  
I wanna get you back again  
I want you to trouble me  
I wanted you turning down  
I want you to agree with me  
I want so much so bad  
_

It's remarkable how a case can just completely affect you on more levels then is warranted. It was of involving a gay couple and the younger of the two men had had the illness, House can't even remember what it was even though he'd only been discharged for two days but the two near deaths of the young man had affected Chase badly. He could tell by the marks under his eyes and the new scars he was trying to hide.

He could deal with the fact that Chase was a cutter. He could take that. But they were off the track they'd been on. The one where Chase was almost fine. He didn't want this to end the way it had before, with Chase looked in his apartment cutting up his arms and drinking gin to try to make himself feel human.

He just wished Chase would come to him. Talk to him about it. He could ask Chase to, but he knew he'd disagree; think House had finally lost it.

House thinks he has lost it.

_  
Come on and lay it down  
I've always been with you  
Here and now  
Give all that's within you  
Be my savior  
And I'll be your downfall  
_

"Chase… I care." There, he'd said it in not so many words. But the look of dawning causes a strange light in Chase's eyes and he laughs a bit. No cruelly, Chase is the type to give away how he feels so easily.

"You always did like things that were broken." He muttered and stood to leave.

House realized idly, that nothing was ever easy with one Robert Chase. "This isn't because you're broken. It's despite it."

"Despite it? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He turned around and the strange light is still there and like the good scientist that he is, House wants to pull it from his eyes to poke and prod it until he understands exactly what it is.

"It means what it means. I know you better now… After all that we've been through." And that was true, didn't friends make better lovers and all that jazz?

"That's all fine and nice but you couldn't give me all that I want."

"And what is it that you want."

"I want someone who will give me everything… someone who will save me… even though I'll cause their downfall." He turned and walked away, leaving House to ponder those words.

_  
Be my savior  
(Only love can save us now)  
(Don't lay me down)  
(Only love can save us now)  
I'll be your downfall (I'll be your downfall)  
(Love can save us now)  
(Don't save me now)  
_

House wanted to smack himself it was so obvious. Of course Chase wanted someone to save him from himself. Not that he could technically do just that, but it made sense. He wanted to… try though. He had been prodding the barely there emotions that had been running hot and cold just under the surface of his 'I hate everything' motto and found that maybe… just maybe… he loved Chase.

Well, as all those great and dull romantics say, love can save almost anyone.

…or was it everyone? House was too much of a realist for most of that shit anyways.

He pushed open Chase's door, completely uninvited and saw him taking steady sips of a glass of gin and hopefully there was tonic. Hopefully it was the last dregs of a bottle he'd been drinking at all evening.

"What are you doing here?" He was too lucid to be piss drink. That was always a good thing.

"I wanted to talk to you about what I said with no interruptions." There was that strange light again, if only he could understand what the fuck it was.

"What do you really have to say?" He looked up at him and House couldn't help but feel slightly self conscious.

"I love you Chase… Robert." That was… awkward… Score one for Gregory House.

"You don't… You… you shouldn't." Chase was standing in front of him, hands on his shoulders pleading with him.

"And why shouldn't I?" He shifted his stance to adjust his weight better with Chase pushing on him.

"I bring down everyone I love… I don't… I don't want to cause your downfall." And it dawned on House what that light was… hopeful fear. "Please don't try to save me."

_  
Lay it down  
I've always been with you  
Hear me now  
With all that's within you  
Be my savior  
And I'll be your downfall  
_

"I can't do that." He spoke softly and carefully as the cane fell from his finger tips and he brought his arms up and wrapped him around the younger man.

House figured he had one chance to do this right. He might as well do his best. He had started to lay it out and he was until Chase had heard all he'd had to say. Now was not the time for sarcasm.

"I came here for a reason Robert… I… would give you everything I have all the good and the bad… and I warn you there's a lot of bad. I can't promise to be some kind of savior but…"

"I'll hurt you in the end." Chase whispered pleading with him.

"I'm willing to take that risk. Maybe the downfall isn't what you think it is."

_  
Now I'm back on my own  
Hear my feet, they're made of stone  
Man, I make you go where I go  
Well hell, you, can I take you home  
Well, I'm coming home on my back  
Kissing me, your lips painted black  
Saying  
Let me be your downfall  
_

House left Chase's apartment without any resolve but that was okay. He'd told Chase everything and Chase responded that he'd need time and House could him that. That wasn't a hard request. But each step to his bike felt like his feet were made of stone. He wanted to turn around and grab Chase and force him to go with him. He would feel better if he could keep Chase around him to know that he was cutting himself or forgetting his meds or… something.

He wished he'd asked Chase if he'd come home with him but once again he knew that Chase wouldn't have agreed. And coercion wasn't going to help in either case. He was about to swing his leg over the seat when he was turned around and kissed by Chase firmly. The kiss said everything that Chase needed it to say.

Let me love you, let me be your downfall.

_  
Let me be your downfall  
_

House thought hard about what Chase feared the downfall was… but all he found was that all that happened was their issues combined and they showed themselves just how miserable the other was. And while their love never faltered… House's realism prevailed. Love can't save everyone but sometimes, it makes the passage of time easier. And that was good enough for them both.

* * *

**Rhiannon: Thank you to all the readers and lurkers and whatnot for reading...  
**


End file.
